Things I Learned From My Most Recent Trip to Rock Bottom

On February 11, 2024 I took a rough fall snowboarding and ended up tearing my AC joint. I was on a trip in California and Nevada with girlfriends exploring multiple ski resorts. For 3 days I felt invincible. We were riding unmarked terrain, sending it down long steep mogul runs, and I had never felt more confident.

At the end of the 3rd day we decided to lap the terrain park a few times before turning in. Since I had days of what felt like professional riding under my belt, I went into the park fearless. On our last lap of the day, I sent 3 jumps in a row, each one gaining more and more speed. On jump 3, I flew into the air, feeling weightlessness for a few moments before gravity took a hold again. I overshot the jump and the nose of my snowboard dug into the snow, catapulting my body into the ground. My right shoulder took the fall, then my head, shattering my goggles. I was disoriented, my vision was blacking out, the world spinning. I knew I had to move or else I would get landed on, as I was laying at the bottom of a jump. I went to push myself off the ground and a sharp, intense pain jolted from my shoulder and down my arm.

"Fuck" I thought as I shimmied to the side. Again I tried to stand and that god awful pain came right back. Immediately I cradled my right arm to my body and slowly made my way to my friends. I went to the ski patrol clinic that was conveniently right by where I fell and got checked out. They recommended I go straight to the medical clinic and were worried I broke my collar bone. After being seen at the medical clinic, the team came to the conclusion I tore my AC joint which connects my shoulder to my clavicle. This injury means no surgery or huge limitations, just a whole lot of pain.

As a result of the injury, I cannot work as a nurse until I'm healed. This meant an unknown time off, and I thought I would be back in 2 weeks. Turns out, I won't be healed until likely 3 months. I've been in pain, off work, unable to move my body, and life surely didn't slow down just because my circumstances changed. My self esteem tanked, relationships in my life were strained, I felt isolated, stagnant, useless, etc. Here's what I learned.

Mind, body, and spirit are all connected. It's impossible to separate physical and emotional pain. When we suffer from one form of pain, our being feels it all. It's hard to thrive as a whole when aspects of our being are feeling pain. Sometimes we need to take a break and acknowledge our pain before it passes.

Our purpose is to be. We are human beings, not human doings. Living in a capitalistic society makes us feel as if our worth is solely achieved thru productivity. When you are stripped of your work, does that mean you are now unworthy? useless? purposeless? This experience taught me we are here to live and be in each moment as it comes. Yes working towards something can give us a feeling of external purpose, and now I know we are enough as we are, regardless of what we produce. Our internal purpose is to be.

Pain and suffering can lead to enlightenment. Oftentimes, the harder the fall, the greater the lesson. Thru this time in life, I hit a rock bottom lower than I've hit in a long time. The strange thing about spiraling down, I knew it needed to happen to launch me forward. I had this awareness amid the turmoil that I needed to be in the turmoil for a greater reason. I needed to lose it all in order to truly see myself and pick myself back up.

Recognizing struggle is half the battle. For weeks I felt awful and didn't realize the weight all this was had on me. Once I got out of rock bottom, I had the insight to know how depressed, isolated, anxious, and stressed I felt about everything. From this recognition I was able to validate my experience and take steps to self soothe. I talk about identifying a downwards spiral in my episode on how to get out of a rut and habits to stay well.

Struggling alone isn't necessary and likely harmful. This is a lesson I learned as a teenager and keep coming back to. While it can be shameful to struggle, keeping it to yourself gives the negativity power over you. Shame cannot live in silence. For more on this, listen to my episode on shame, empathy, and self-compassion

Energy exchanges are cyclical. Sometimes we give and sometimes we receive. There are times when you need to be poured into, and the people loving on you will later get poured into when they need it. I had this thought while at a concert. I love music, specifically live music, with every ounce of my soul. Being able to stand in a crowd and watch people do what they love lights me up. I realized having fans, an audience, people in the crowd, etc. pours into performers as well. So while I receive the talent and hard work of artists, they receive the love and adoration I have for their art. And this cycle goes for anything in life. We are all giving and receiving to one another constantly, and when you feel drained, know the universe, God, people, who and whatever will inevitably give back to you.

Our minds create our reality. It is up to us how we think, feel, and behave. While sometimes these things feel out of our control, we have everything needed inside ourselves to create change and live the life we desire. Oftentimes, we are the ones holding us back.

Feelings are not facts. During this time I felt like a loser, worthless, hopeless, etc. It's important to know even when you feel something, it doesn't mean it's true. "Don't believe everything you think" is a quote that's helped me thru this time too. I often say that we are not responsible for our first thought, but we are responsible for our second. So while my first thoughts throughout this time were horribly negative, I paused and chose a new thought to help me feel better. This practice wasn't pretty, or seamless, and I struggled so damn much throughout this time.

Things aren't so black and white. Life isn't all "good" or all "bad". While this season of life challenged me in ways I never expected, I learned so much. And I grew. And I smiled. And I made good memories. And to me, that makes it all worthwhile.

I love you, and want to remind you when you struggle, it's often so you can grow and have even more abundance and joy in your life. Pain and prosperity can happen at the same time. So can suffering and laughter. So can restlessness and rest. Life is nuanced. Even when it doesn't feel like it, the universe is conspiring in your favor, and everything is working out best case scenario.

xx Sydney

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