Heartbreak, hopelessness, and hope

This morning I found myself hopeless. I was yet again grappling with the familiar feeling of heart ache. I’m someone who has loved and lost many times in my life. And while I wouldn’t have it any other way (amor fati forever), there are times the cycle of loving and losing wears on me.

These days I find myself in the throes of heartbreak yet again. This feeling hurts sharply and sweetly in the worst way. When I’m in the thick of heartache, it feels as if it’s all I’ve ever known. It feels as if I’ve spent infinitely more time grieving the love that has slipped thru my fingers rather than doing the loving itself.

This particular morning was another day of waking up and wanting to wallow in these woes. I had spent the last few days crying first thing in the morning, unable to shake the grief that consumed me. The grief that tells me everyone else has found a love that lasts except for me. The grief that makes me feel so alone I physically get cold. The grief that feels so familiar it’s almost a friend to me. I felt utterly hopeless in love this morning. Naturally, I was unsettled, unmotivated, and felt anything but myself. It got to a point where I knew I couldn’t handle it on my own. I have been trying as best I could and still the heartache finds its way inside, seeping into every pore of my being. I was desperate for a reprieve, a relief, a momentary pause from this suffering. So I took a moment and asked a higher power, my spirit guides, ancestors, universe, god, anything, to help me get thru this time. I asked for help. I asked for a sign. I had a whole “Jesus take the wheel” moment because I could not do it on my own.

Moments after deciding to surrender to something greater, that something greater provided. I had an impulse to take my breakfast and eat it outside. Once outside, I decided to take the longer walk back to my unit at work. On this walk, I stumbled upon what’s called the “hope garden”, which I didn’t know existed until I needed it the most. I found myself in a garden of messages I so desperately needed to hear. Messages of love, hope, faith, and optimism that felt like old friends I’d forgotten all about while focusing on my misery. I had a moment of pure gratitude for this higher power for somehow leading me to a beautiful sanctuary I was unaware of.

And while the ache still lingers, it’s not all that’s there. Even in heartbreak my heart can hold love, gratitude, peace, optimism, and dare I say it, hope. Even when we are in the thick of misery, we are so much more than that. Sometimes we forget. So if you need a reminder too, here it is. We are more than our wounding. We are more than the pain we experience. We are more than all of the hurt we’ve endured. While it’s part of us, it’s not all there is. So if you are someone like me, in need of extra love, please receive these words. You are enough. Things will get better. Please have hope. Please endure. I know you can, and I know you will. I love you. I believe in you ❤️